This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
