i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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