before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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