Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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