Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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