The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
