Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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