I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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