The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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