She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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