I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
