Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
