When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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