I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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