I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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