I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
