Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
