She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Never underestimate the power of titties
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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