yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
