She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
