Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize