The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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