seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
