I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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