It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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