please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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