I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
