i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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