i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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