I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Vodka?
Forever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
