Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
