i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
