Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize