How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
