You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
