I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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