1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
