I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
