i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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