if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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