How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
