the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
