Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
