quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
