Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The Olympian is in my bed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
