Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You ruined the universe
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
