He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
