i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
