I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
