My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
