kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
