he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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