I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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