When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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