The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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