YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
