i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
