He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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