I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
