I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Will you blow on my dice?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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