i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
