had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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