You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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