Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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