Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Pooping to opera.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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