this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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