Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
