Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
