I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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